7 Steps to a Healthier Marriage video series

Identifying Triggers and Reactions That Cause Conflict

Do you feel like you and your spouse have the same argument again and again? Can you almost predict how they’ll respond when conflict arises? In this video, Wayne Reed talks about how many of us make the mistake of focusing on the content of an argument when there’s more going on under the surface. By taking the time to identify the buttons, or wounds, that get pushed in the midst of conflict, we can better control our reactions, or behaviours, toward our spouse.

Get more out of this series!

After watching video 4, follow these steps to get the most out of this part of the series:

// Step 1

Read and meditate on this verse: “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” (James 4:1)

// Step 2

Download and work through the “Reactive Cycle Inventory” that Wayne discusses in the video. For the sake of this exercise, imagine yourself back in one of the major conflicts you’ve had with your spouse. Take your time to think about the buttons (or wounds and fears) that got pushed and what feelings you experienced.

// Step 3

Answer these questions with your spouse after you’ve both completed the “Reactive Cycle Inventory.”

1. What are your buttons?
2. What are your reactions?
3. What are your wants/desires?

Download this worksheet to write down your answers to help you identify the Reactive Cycle you have with your spouse.

// Step 4

Read the article “Identifying the negative feelings behind unresolved conflict” by counsellor Tom Peters to better understand the underlying roots of your feelings and avoid negative reactions.

// Step 5

Move on to the next video to discover how to get break free from this Reactive Cycle and experience healthy conflict.