No matter how much you and your spouse love each other, eventually you’re going to fight about something – sex, money, kids, time, in-laws. Have you disagreed about any of these? No matter what you’re in conflict about, it’s not fun. Feelings get hurt. Misunderstandings happen. Emotional walls go up. Hearts close down. It’s a real problem.
But what if conflict was actually healthy for your relationship? This video series can help you and your spouse see disagreements differently and use conflict to learn about each other and strengthen your marriage.
Conflict isn’t necessarily bad. It’s how you experience those moments of disagreement that can really impact your marriage.
In the first session, Greg and Erin Smalley share about the rocky early years of their marriage. In fact, even while he was in seminary, Greg almost thought Erin would leave him – until another couple helped them get into counselling.
After watching session 1, follow these three steps to get the most out of this part of the series:
// Step 1
Read and meditate on these verses:
“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” (Romans 12:10)
“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:4)
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Read the article “Learn to fight fair” by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot to identify some dos and don’ts of disagreeing with your spouse.
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Watch the free video series From Anger to Affection with Greg and Erin Smalley for practical help on what you can do in the moments right after conflict.
How are husbands and wives like roly-poly bugs? In session 2, Greg and Erin Smalley describe how both men and women tend to curl up in protection and close their hearts when conflict starts to heat up. They resort to sarcasm, criticism, avoiding eye contact and poor body language to lash out. Or they wall themselves off from each other. In either case, it’s not good. But the good news is that you can open yourself up again. The Smalleys show you how in this video.
After watching session 2, follow these three steps to get the most out of this part of the series:
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Read and meditate on this verse: “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” (Proverbs 17:22)
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Read the article “Fight for your marriage when your spouse is emotionally distant” by Greg Smalley to learn more about what you can do when you and your spouse build emotional walls around the deepest parts of your hearts.
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Get your copy of Greg Smalley’s book Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage. It’s the perfect companion resource for this video series! This counterintuitive book will help you see that deep-rooted fears – rejection, inadequacy, powerlessness – are underneath marital conflict. But intimacy, respect, validation and love can overcome them. Order your copy of this book today and get $5 off when you use the promo code*: BETTER
You and your spouse are fighting again. Why do you push each other’s buttons and make each other angry over the same things? Where is this coming from? In session 3, Greg and Erin Smalley talk about how anger is usually a reaction to something deeper (and more significant) below the surface.
After watching session 3, follow these three steps to get the most out of this part of the series:
// Step 1
Read and meditate on these verses:
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of a man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20)
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
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Read the article “Emotional safety in a troubled marriage” by Vicki Morgan to learn about recognizing your own needs and vulnerabilities in your relationship, and how to communicate what will make you feel safe.
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Read the article “5 steps to developing your emotional intelligence” to learn what you can do to step outside of that reactive cycle when your buttons are pushed in conflict in order to have a clearer mind to communicate with your spouse.
Satan hates your marriage. It reminds him of Christ’s love for the Church. So he’s out to sabotage your relationship by dredging up insecurities, past hurts and other selfish lies. Don’t let that become your truth. In the fourth session, Greg and Erin Smalley encourage you to see your spouse as a wonderful gift from God and to speak his truth to one another.
After watching session 4, follow these three steps to get the most out of this part of the series:
// Step 1
Read and meditate on these verses:
“See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble.” (Hebrews 12:15a)
“Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the LORD has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” (Colossians 3:13)
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Read the article “You didn't marry a mind reader: How to communicate your expectations” by Cindy Beall for a list of common letdowns that can trigger negative emotions.
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Get your copy of Drs. Greg Smalley and Robert Paul’s latest book 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage to help you assess the extent to which your own marriage has been affected by each of the nine lies. Order your copy today and get $5 off when you use the promo code*: RESTOREHOPE
Your heart is open again. You’re ready to reconcile. But how? In session 5, Greg and Erin Smalley talk directly to husbands. Guys, you have to make the first move! You have to demonstrate that you care more about your wife than you do about being right. That means fighting through opinions and comments, and going after her heart.
After watching session 5, follow these three steps to get the most out of this part of the series:
// Step 1
Read and meditate on these verses:
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32)
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” (John 15:12)
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Listen to the Focus on the Family Broadcast “Avoiding the Chore War” with Greg and Erin Smalley, and Jean Daly as they discuss how sharing household chores is a great opportunity to show initiative and demonstrate to your spouse that you care.
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Watch the free video series Cherish Your Spouse with bestselling author Gary Thomas to learn why cherishing your spouse by supporting, adoring, showcasing and protecting them will take your relationship to the next level.
You win together, or you lose together. There’s no option in which you win and your spouse loses. Marriage doesn’t work that way. In session 6, Greg and Erin Smalley urge couples to fight for oneness in their relationship. Coming out of an argument, no matter the outcome or solution, both husband and wife must believe that they are on the same team.
After watching session 6, follow these three steps to get the most out of this part of the series:
// Step 1
Read and meditate on this verse: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-11)
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Listen to the Focus on the Family Broadcast “Working Together as a Team in Your Marriage” with Joshua and Christi Straub as they offer practical ideas to become more “we-focused” instead of “me-focused.”
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Read the article “7 team-building games for a winning marriage” to learn how corporate team-building techniques can help you and your spouse hone your strengths and overcome obstacles.
Infidelity, abuse, addictions, pornography – these issues create heartache and devastation within a marriage. But, for some couples, one or more of them is a painful reality. In session 7, Greg and Erin Smalley encourage husbands and wives to get down to the heart level to see what’s really happening.
After watching session 7, follow these three steps to get the most out of this part of the series:
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Read and meditate on this verse: “Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart.” (Proverbs 3:3)
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If your marriage is in crisis and you feel like it is broken beyond repair, please know that we understand your pain and feelings of hopelessness and want to help! Focus on the Family Canada’s Hope Restored marriage intensives have helped couples across the country restore marriages that have been plagued by unhealthy, toxic cycles, trust that’s been broken either through infidelity or other harmful patterns, as well as many more situations that are as messy and painful as yours. Visit HopeRestoredCanada.ca or call 1.833.999.HOPE (4673) to learn more.
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Watch the free video series Discovering God’s Freedom from Pornography with Nick and Michelle Stumbo to hear them share honestly about Nick’s cycle of slip-up, confession and promise, and explain what eventually led Nick to find freedom from his pornography addiction.
We want to help you and your spouse not only identify unhealthy conflict patterns, but also learn healthy strategies so you can experience the deep intimacy that comes with being on the same team.
We have put together a collection of resources to help you navigate marital conflict well, and also provide insight into specific challenges that you may be facing.
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